UpDownLeftRight

This is another of that prime collection which introduced me to the world of gaming when I was just a young boy. I had never seen a Kirby game before so I had no expectations. Were I to play it for the first time now, I’d be disappointed, but instead I was thrilled.

Now that I’ve seen other Kirby games I know that there’s one serious absence. The Kirby everyone knows and loves (if you want to love Kirby, never, never ever play Squeak Squad) inhales enemies and takes their powers. In Kirby’s Dream Land, he doesn’t do that. Why? I don’t know. Every other Kirby game, before and since, has included this. This one game is an oddity in this way, and I can’t guess why. The game is reproduced in Kirby Super Star, but with power-changing included. Was this a correction of a mistake? Read the rest of this entry »

Ok ok. Boos, right? Boos wearing blindfolds. Is that not brilliant? That’s brilliant.

I always chose Peach in Doki Doki Pa – I mean – Super Mario Bros. 2 because her flying ability trumped Mario’s blandness, Luigi’s wobbliness and Toad’s… whatever it was Toad had.

Well, in a moment of misguided feminism, Nintendo produced a game with Peach as the lead. In the same swift motion they made what immediately seems like a massive case of foot-in-mouth-forever and made the main feature of the game the princess’s extreme mood swings.

I think this is hilarious. Read the rest of this entry »

This is one of those games with a cult following, but in this case I’m not sure why. Over the years I’ve taken a few shots at it but each time failed to get past the first town. In the past two weeks I settled down to make an honest effort of it to see just why the game’s so highly acclaimed.

I got to the last boss and just… stopped. I figured I’d just take a break and concentrate on something else for a while, but a brief inspection shows that I have no desire to complete the game. Everything up to that point was disappointing or just annoying.

The battle system is first person. Why? I don’t know. There’s a static sprite of a monster and some goofy-looking patterns waving around in the background. On top of this bland mess lies the menu system, which is passable. One interesting note is the ‘autofight’ option which throws every character into a frenzy, attacking seemingly at random and curing every status ailment, however trivial. No items are used (there goes any chance Jeff could be useful), and no skills beyond life and heal (and there goes Paula). With Ness alone this might be useful. As for Poo, I don’t know how to use him. He’s too weak to attack, and he’s got too small an amount of MP to go more than a few battles without filling his inventory with MP restorers, and there are precious few decent MP restorers, too.

I would put a ‘read more’ button here, but I can’t find it. I might edit it in later. I found it! Read the rest of this entry »

I’m watching the Simpsons while I write this. Season three. I’ve got the disc on ‘play all’, but I don’t think I’ll see an episode I haven’t alreay. Ooh, this one has promise.

Nope. I’ve seen it. It’s the one in which Marge goes crazy. Oh, by the way, thanks for looking after my stuff, Marge. Anyways. Ok. I need to focus a bit more on this article. D’aww. Credits roll. Uh, dang.

So Nethack. It was this really swell game a long time ago, and it’s still got quite a cult following. The mechanics are largely based on AD&D (THAC0 is just… weird. AC drops to zero… and… just keeps going down? Huh? That’s silly.)

Nethack works on a step system… Oh hey, I haven’t seen this one. Alright, it’s over. Earthbound’s calling to me… Ahh, it can wait. Step system. Every action has a certain rate, timed by the player character’s actions. Grid bugs move at 1:1, floating eyes act only once every five or six rounds, and leprechauns move a few times for every move made by the player. I hate those things. What the heck is that thing on their front door? Is it like… a rat head knocker or something? Or a vulture? Huh. Read the rest of this entry »

Back in my day handheld graphics came in green and green on a green background and we liked it. Actually, I have no idea how I could ever stand that crap. Still, when all else fails I’ll still have my memory, which is filled with games like Beetlejuice.

As is common in the earlier decade of my life, I have no idea how this game came into my possession. Maybe it was procured in The Great Garage Sale. That is more than likely.

So the main character is some lovable character with whom I had no experience. He was tall, his green jacket had green stripes, he had green teeth and crazy green hair. He shot some sort of spiky balls out of his hands, said spiky balls being the main and only method of dealing damage. Read the rest of this entry »

Still to this day, and most likely until I die, I can close my eyes and run my fingertips against a finely-pitted gray expanse, sliding them along the ridges on the sides, lightly depressing the flap on the top, and finally down to the glossy purple switches.

My hand moves slightly, my fingers trailing over several plastic rectangles. I know their weight and texture by memory; I know their taste and smell; I know how it feels to slide a cartridge into the slot until it locks solidly into place. Read the rest of this entry »

You just lost.
Read the rest of this entry »

This is a good example of a simple game being more inherently fun than any amount of complicated gameplay or graphics. XKobo is just… fun. It is simple, but it’s so much fun. It’s a top-down shooter with no story and basic controls.

Each level has a set amount and placement of enemy bases and each of those has a set density, but other than that every level is randomized. As levels progress the bases get more complex and different weaponry.

Each base consists of one core and any number of nodes, all connected by invincible piping. The nodes are randomized in a square, and the pipes usefully protect the core from attack. Nodes and cores fire projectiles to further deter eager pilots from reaching the core. For the most part this strategy works, but there’s the occasional time the base is randomized just so that the player can guide the ship straight down into the core. Once the core is destroyed, of course, the whole base explodes.

Other than that, the map loops N/S and W/E, extra ships are awarded at every set amount of points, you can pick up where you left off, and you can shoot diagonally. That’s it. No powerups, no bombs, no donation incentives, no achievements. There are five keys. You can make out pixels without squinting. And I loved it. Read the rest of this entry »

For an educational game, this was fun. Really fun. I will now try to analyze just what made it so fun.

Well, it certainly wasn’t the cover. That’s garish, and had I had my present sensibility I’d have avoided the game entirely.

The gameplay was slow but smooth. Speed wasn’t really an issue and the enemies were mostly just an annoyance.

Actually, it seems to me it wasn’t all that complex, anyways. The idea was to wander around in a factory picking up randomly distributed boxes. Each box held a part that could go towards building a vehicle to win a race at the end of a level. This included spray paint and decals so you could make sure everyone knows just how extreme you were. It was fun because… um. Read the rest of this entry »

This game is somewhere in the vaults of my memory. I remember it being an okay game. It was fun, but I don’t have a lot to say about it.

P.S. Here’s the picture of some crazy-looking band I came across whilst looking for the cover of the game:

You kids and your music.